I'm soooooo UNcomfortable in front of the camera! A reoccurring problem amongst photographers is we tend to capture other lives, but we hardly ever capture us in our own life. Sure I snap pictures of the kids, the pets, the hubs...but no one ever picks up the camera to capture me in the family!
So we kind of go unnoticed.
I recently took a course over self portraiture and it was amazing. All we have left after our passing (LITERALLY) is pictures and video....that's it! And I started thinking about when my kids are showing my grandkids pictures, will I be in any of them?
So I'm starting a series for myself and pushing my anxiety and awkwardness aside to create self portraits. If you want to take a look at a fun motherhood series I did, click here: Motherhood
I'm a firm believer that childhood experiences shape adult behavior. Things that happened in my past have definitely made me who I am today. I'm a mixed jumble of insecurity and weakness. Venerability and strength. Love and resentment. Kindness and impulsiveness. Faith and doubt. Happiness and sadness.
I've spent my whole life trying to love myself, trying to be comfortable in my own skin. Trying to find the "why" in many things that shaped my personality. Countless therapist proved it's too hard to grasp but labeled me with complex PTSD and sent me on my way with bottles to fill.
I've been hurt by people that should have loved me unconditionally, but failed and I have the internal scars to prove it. I've wasted too many years trying to gain affection from someone that literally hated the day I was born and all that rejection has been hanging around my neck like a noose, but guess what? Two years I’ve let it go and boy does it feel good!
These words and insecurities don't define me, yet I struggle to convince myself and sometimes the words win. So while these harsh words have molded me into who I am today, I will go back to the jumble of words that I used to describe me in the beginning of this post and only pick out the positive words: strength, kindness, love, & happiness because after all.....“The darkest nights produce the brightest stars” author unknown
(I know I'll regret this post BUT I have a deep desire to help others with my art and if this helps just ONE person, my goal was achieved..)